It has been almost a year since I miscarried our baby.    I was 8 weeks and 6 days along and had 2 perfect ultrasounds.  We thought we were on our way to a healthy baby when something went wrong.  My husband went with me to another ultrasound that day...we were just assuming another picture of the heart beating.  What we found out was that sometime in the week previous the heart had stopped beating and there is no one to explain to us why.  There are still a gazillion unanswered questions.  My niece was born the day after I miscarried...it was a bitter sweet moment for us...We were grieving and they were rejoicing.  Now she is almost 1 and almost walking...it is her first Christmas and we have no new baby to share our Christmas with.  *sigh*  I have 3 children from my first marriage but this was to be the first for my husband...I hurt so much for him too...The older I get the less chance I have of ever having another baby....and the less chance he has of ever being a father.  It saddens me greatly.  Dont get me wrong....we try almost daily....*soft smile*  but my eggs must be too old for his quick sperm....something isnt clicking and its making us crazy.  Well I am off to bed...its been a long damn day....hard to be in the Christmas mood right now...

Its getting close to pay day here and I am sure the money will slither out of my account just as fast as it slithers in.  It seems that there are always more bills than there is money to pay them with and this is rather discouraging.  What really pisses me off is this...my exhusband is in the state pen and owes me thousands of dollars in child support.  In the mean time we are paying for his food, shelter and knee surgery while he is there and I am not getting one dime of child support.  His mother recently passed away and he came into some money from her death...I was not able to get my hands on any of that...for some damn reason they cant attach to that income for him.  Meanwhile we are still paying for his crap AND he is getting settlement money.  I wish there was some justice in all of this.  I wish someone would explain all of this to me.  I was told he could go to jail for non payment...ummmmm.....he is already there so that does not help any....or he could lose his drivers license for non payment....ummmm in jail he really does not need to have a license anyway.  Oh yea, while in jail he married some dumb crack whore and she wants money too....Good Luck to her!!!  My husband and I work our asses off each month...his ass is much cuter than mine...just to make ends meet.  If my ex would just pay me even half of what he owes me I could pay so many bills off....grrrrrrrrr

Its Friday night and where am I??? I am stuck at work trying to study for a test.  How do the young kids do it all?  They work, go to school and have social lives.  I have 2 out of 3 and am exhausted by 9:00 each night.  I will be sooooo glad when I have my degree in hand...except for the part about having to pay off all the student loans I will have.  Then I will need to find a "real" teaching job that pays "real" money.  Well back to the books....

It has finally hit me.  I will be officially OLD next week and it has me down in the dumps.  It is hard enough being OLD but being OLD and still wanting a baby makes it even worse.  My husband and I lost a baby in January of 05.  Never does a day go by when I dont think of that.  It truly was the worst day of my life.  To see the pain in my husbands eyes.  To feel the emptyness in my body.  To go from debating about names and nursery colors to nothing.  I would not wish that pain on even my best enemy.  If you read this...kiss your kids before you put them to bed...love them when they wake up in the morning...take care of them all day long...